I would not trade my body. This sort of statement is akin to heresy in many trans and therian circles, but it actually doesn’t make anybody less of a tranimal person. I could pick an animal form between the ones I am, and as much as I love the feline body it would probably be raven because it’s more free and adaptable, but I like my human body better. I could end this writing here and let people seek for bits of clues and explanations in my other writings, but I need to get out of laziness.
I find myself in relationships with biological men, gay men, and as a transboy they expect me to cope with my different body and do my best to perform sex the same way a bio-man would. Despite being very aware of the fact I don’t want to bend to people’s boxes and expectations, especially in terms of sex and gender, I found myself accepting this situation as if it was the natural course of things, as if after all, yes, I had to adapt to their ways and deal with my body as if it was an issue to overcome. In other terms I would let my partners and their erroneous conception of my body and identity convince me that it was a handicap, something imperfect and limited that was a problem for our/my happiness and that it was in my interest to do all that I could to pretend I’m a biological man. It took me some times to analyze the situation and put words on this, and meanwhile I found myself very stressed out, ill-at-ease and unhappy with those individuals.
The thing is, I’m not a biological man, and I don’t want to be. I am trans. I have a trans body. I have a trans sexuality and practices. There can be no comparisons with “what a biological man does in bed” just like there is no comparisons with “what a biological woman does in bed”, so let’s stamp out those expectations, okay? I say fuck, if anybody is attracted to me they’ll have to play by my rules – and then we can surely find a middle-ground. I want them to stop expecting my dildo to be just like a bio-dick, because it’s not – it’s something different with which I can do different things, like it doesn’t ejaculate but it’s always hard. Instead of drawing more and more comparisons, I just want this and my genitalia, and the rest of my body, to be considered as something different on its own, and not a mere hybrid or one thing or the other, to make the expectations stop. If my partners want sex to only be exactly like with a bio-guy, they should date one. I’m genderqueer, damnit, I’m only happy in relationships that are genderqueer to some degrees. I will not tolerate anymore people talking about my body and sexuality as something limitating or limited at best, something that has to be fixed at worst.
I like drawing parallels and inspiration from transsexuality with therianthropy, instead of spirituality like most do, because it’s so interconnected and doesn’t leave the body out. A lot of shamanistic practices in the Americas, unlike in Africa where people are more rooted in their body, seem very centered on reaching out of one’s body and mundane world, and I feel a lot of therians live their animality too much in their head – though it may be a more general issue, like a lot of people may not be happy with their appearance or life and want to distance themselves from it. Perhaps it looks so to me because I’m constantly and unshiftingly animal so I can’t shut it off and disconnect it from my body and senses. But it’s there, in my flesh and bones, and it makes my body an animal-person body, redefining what it is to be a man or cat or corvid. Both human and animal and something else entierely.
I could put expectations on that body, because sometimes I feel I should be able to fly or claw things; but not only that would make me a very frustrated and unhappy animal person, but it’s just not me. I identify as an animal-person (because I am animal inside) but I’m not like a biological raven or such. Sometimes I miss certain things, yes, I won’t deny it, but just like with being trans, I want and can envision my body as something that isn’t by essence limited, but actually quite positive. I like being able to grasp things and muse over how we interact with each others and draw or write. I like my light bones and muscles and it strikes me as both feline and birdy, and that’s fine. Being a feline raven monkey-thing is good, really. My phantom limbs are there and sensitive, and generally not stressing over how much things aren’t here biologically speaking. I experience the world intensely as an animal-person and that’s enough to make me feel balanced and almost perfect as an animal and as a human.
So I would not trade my body.
But a shifting ability sure would be fun.
Mhmm clouded fur.