Growing and Learning
Ok, so you've been around in the community for some times now, perhaps a year or two even, and you can make the difference between the mass of newbies and you. You are probably familiar enough with the terminology, and when you are involved in forums you tend to post more thoughtful topics than newcomers. And, of course, you try to help others when you can. And you give advices. And you tell people when they do things wrongs.
Stop, just listen a moment. I am not going to scold or mock you in a "I am an elder/ancient/greymuzzle®/what you want, because I am not, and that's stupid and useless. What I have to say is: I am not much more experienced than you, but I see you're going through something I had gone through, and I want to warn you about certain things so you don't look like an idiot by doing mistakes as I possibly did. My message is: you aren't really a newbie anymore, but you still are inexperienced - and I guess it is the same for me. I want you to know that because I have started to see people who haven't been around for very long, but who began to spread their "experience" and "wisdom" in a manner that doesn't just slightly irritate me, but which shocks me. You may be one of them, or maybe not, but what I can say may still be useful to you.
I am more shocked than irritated, because those people act as "know-it-all" or spread stupidities, and because they don't realize it at all. Fine, you have been around enough to help people about basic and less basic stuff, and you know what you are - or if you're still searching, as least you know how to soulsearch and you do it on your own without asking for more advices. That's great. Does that mean you really are experienced? No. Does that mean you know everything? No. Does that mean you can start a revolution about labels when it's not needed because you want it? No. Does that mean you can tell people harshly how wrong they do things? No no and no.
Nobody should allow oneself to be harsh, to mock others, or to make them look like idiots. Nobody should make them feel they're "just" newbies (who should only listen to your judgments) by writing comments full of "good! good! GOOD!" or "Nooo! Bad!" (those are real quotes following someone's intro). Nobody should start giving advices about soulsearching when themselves can't seem to soulsearch properly. Nobody should explain things they don't understand themselves. Nobody should turn a term that has sense into a label that has none just because they don't understand it. The list goes on.
It worries me when I see people who want to help so much that they confuse people. An example I've seen recently is welcoming people who are unsure about the animal they are, and starting suggesting they may be polyweres. Wow, calm down. Do you want these newcomers to jump on labels and mistake about what they are? We know it's good to reassure them, to let them know it's a possibility, but they can learn it on their own when it's time, when they won't jump to conclusions without thinking. It's the same for every label. Just don't throw all these new terms to newbies' faces, you're not going to help them at all, although they may thank your happily for telling them what they are - to those who haven't got it: that's what you don't want. Always be careful about what you say on forums, especially to confused people, because they can understand it wrong or swallow anything without thinking.
That's why you must be careful when posting in people's introductions. Newcomers often are impressed or willing to be accepted, and they pay much attention to what they are told. It's not just a matter of labels and advices, it is also a matter of the way you say things. Don't talk to them as you would to a stupid child who can't see what is "right" from what is "wrong". Sure, they may be confused. That doesn't mean they are stupid - although many stupid people exist, as everywhere. You shouldn't allow yourself to make judgments on their therianthropy. It is ok to say things like "I don't want to offend you, but I'm afraid this or that sounds more like roleplay than therianthropy", or "I think many things you mentioned aren't therianthropy" or "it seems to me you may be confusing totemism and therianthropy". It is ok to tell people they have a good, interesting introduction, or that it's short and besides the point. It is not ok to stroke people's head and say "GOOD" when they act as good woofies, or to do the opposite when you think they did something silly. It is not ok to make definite judgments on them, not simply because you haven't seen more from these newcomers than the intro they posted, but also because you may be unfair and make totally wrong judgments, because you aren't so much more experienced than them. And I don't want to sound as a "know-it-all' myself, but I have to say it. Being in the community for some months doesn't mean you are veteran and a fair one. I was involved on boards since October 2003, and I'm still discovering new things about the community and its people. And that's why I can tell you you don't know everything either and you are doing mistakes.
Most of people agree on the fact they are still learning, but as usual they don't think about what it means, they don't realize they have to stay humble and that their understanding of the werecommuntiy or of their therianthropy is poor. They try to help others while they are still struggling with themselves, and they sometimes build websites. When you are confused about your own therianthropy, do you really expect you can help much others? Sure, you can share a half-complete werecard and your personal therianthropy (although you may have not understood that it doesn't consist in a simple biography with a list of shifts you experience). But what then. I personally don't call that "sharing one's experience", and it's certainly not teaching, since people won't learn much from it. Hell, I don't even think I'm teaching anything here, and I'm not sure I want to. I simply think that when you haven't constructive, personal and unique things to say, sharing your views on therianthropy on boards is enough. Don't take me wrong, I love websites, I love reading essays and personal experiences. The important word is personal.
I see many people who simply repeat over and over again what have been said by more experienced therians, and who just don't fucking know what they're talking about, because they never stopped to think about it and how it can (or cannot) relate to their own experience. "Nobody can tell you what you are!", "we all experience therianthropy in a different way!", "be yourself!"... How many times have you seen people saying this? And do you have any idea of how much, most of the time, they have never really thought about it? Repeating "be yourself" as magic words won't make you be yourself at all. Repeating wise words from other therians won't make you wiser. Repeating others' experiences won't make you experience and understand these things. Think about that. That doesn't mean you can't mention it, that means if you have some experience, you should have more to say than that. If you do, please feel free to share, put it on your website and more. If you don't, stop pretending you do. You, others. Most of people. Ha, when you realise you had been saying bullshit, you really look like an idiot don't you. But that's too late, and you had been warned. Now you have taught two dozen of noobs what contherianthropy is not, or how you must be a shifter to be a therian, or how spiritual therianthropy must be, and that's not easy to go back and say "wait! I was mistaking!". But no matter how much you are convinced you were helping, you should have thought about what you were "preaching", because you must be aware of the fact you are still learning and that one day you may very possibly learn you were wrong.
That's what is experiencing and learning and evolving. We all do. So stay humble, because we're all humans, and we all do mistakes. I once tried to make everybody understand how much I knew what I was, whereas in fact I was mistaking. There is a moment when you have to say "sorry, I was wrong" instead of searching excuses. An example of bad excuse is the whole "my pheno is changing" thing. While it may be possible, I've seen therianthropes claiming it happened withing weeks only, and I strongly doubt what you are can change so fast, unless you experience some drastic and serious event/issue IRL. Be honest. Animal sides don't appear or disappear like that. Accept that you may be wrong, or that you can miss details sometimes, and accept that others can make mistakes too. No need to make them feel ridiculous about that, it happens to you too.
To make it short, always keep in mind you don't know everything and you may be mistaking about whatever you're saying on forums and whatever you do possibly related to therianthropy. You may not be a real newbie anymore, and your therianthropic experiences started far before you joined the community, but there are high chances you are still mistaking about many things. We all do.
~Akhila
December 2004