Walking my path

Walking my path

I use “path” to describe my choices and life, not simply my “course” as a transgendered person. I draw a line between my path and my transition. I’ve known I wasn’t a girl since I was a child, and I’ve known I was at least androgynous if not male for the past years. After so much time introspecting, I can say without a doubt that I feel I’m trans, I have developped my own point of view on myself as a transgendered person, on gender norms, and so on. I’ve worn bandages on occasions in the past to get my chest flat, and I eventually bought a binder. However, I am currently still living as a woman, meaning that people know me as a woman under my feminine name and do not know about my actual gender. I haven’t started transitionning yet, in the sense that I’m not seeing a therapist, psychologist, endocrinologist, surgeron or what-have-you, that I’m not taking hormones and I haven’t undergone any sort of surgery. So, am I transitionning? Obviously, not yet.

I’m calculating – not in a negative way though. I take my time introspecting, and it’s not a matter of surgery at the end. It’s about knowing who and what I am. Just like therianthropy. Not something you can achieve in a few weeks or months. Not something you can really achieve at all. Sure you can find out what you are, but what then? That’s where all the fun starts. Developping your own philosophy on life and things, your expectations, your path; that’s part of the next step. You will still need introspecting and learning about yourself. As a trans I had to ask myself if I could keep on living this life as a woman, or as what I really am. Thus I chose to start transitionning, to know about the process, what I can do, where I can do it, and with the help of who. Hopefully, I will soon be seeing a therapist, an endocrinologist, taking testosterone and speaking of surgery. However, as long as it won’t begin, I won’t consider I started my transition – the physical one, that is.

I’m mutating. Undergoing changes. “In one year with the animal folks I consider my friends, and others, and the trans people I met, in one year I learned so much, gained so much as an individual. [...] I’m discovering a world, discovering [trans] people and things and it’s what I’m yearning for. I feel my life should be about travels and new things, and being myself, fully. Transitionning and being with trans people – and animal people, maybet – is what I want and need, and what will make me go ahead in life as an individual. I want to start a project, a book with drawings and photographs as well in it, something about me, perhaps the cryptographe part of my site itself. I want to produce something, freelance.” Some people take studies and jobs as the purpose itself. I for myself consider they are a mean. I know what I want to make of my life, even when I lack words to describe it. I know I’m a Traveler. I know I’m on a path, as a Traveler, as a trans and as an animal person, as an artist. The rest does not matter. I am flexible and constantly evolving, and I will survive no matter what. I will achieve my goals no matter what. And my current goal is transitionning.

This isn’t anymore about words, about sementics. No theory while sitting on my ass. I’m talking actions. Stopping the babble to be. I’ve seen the people and their words, “we’re all transgendered in some way”. Call yourself androgynous if you want, but never claim you know what I’m going through. Would you take hormones and undergo the mutation? Did you ever think of chest surgery, sexual reassignment surgery? About making your coming-out? About changing you legal name, explaining your family, school, boss and any administration about the changes they’ll have to take into account? I’m not asking for pity. But just don’t tell me you know what it’s like to be me, that you know what my path is like.

Don’t tell me “what you say is very true, I think I’m like you too”. I am not searching for people who fawn upon me. I prefer individuals who are walking their path – not following mine. That doesn’t mean I have a problem with people who are new to this concept of “travelling“. That means I do not gain anything from people who just sit on their ass and never think of their own path. No big words, no Spiritual Path and Therianthropism and Chosen One(tm). I’m talking about what the hell you’re doing here, what you think of it all, your ability to share and learn. I’m surprised and disappointed because everybody said they were all unique and weird, yet to me they’re all alike and ignorant about life and what surrounds them. And about themselves, too. Just look.

Prove me I’m wrong.